A Million Ways to Die in the West (2/10) Movie CLIP – Ways to Die (2014) HD
By Bryan Wright
Huh? Look, let me tell you something. We live in a terrible place in time. American West is a disgusting, awful, dirty, dangerous place. Look around you. Everything out here, that’s not you, wants to kill you. Outlaws, angry drunk people, scorned hookers, hungry animals, diseases major and minor injuries, Indians, the weather. You- you can get killed just going to the bathroom. I take my life in my hands every time I walk out to my outhouse, There’s fucking rattlesnakes all in the grass out there, and, and even if I make it: you know what can kill me? Cholera. You know cholera? The Black Shit. The Black Shit: The latest offering in the frontier’s Disease-of-the-Month Club. And! And, even if you survive all those things you know what else can kill you ? The fucking doctor. The doctor can kill you. I had a cold a couple years ago, I went in there. You already said to me? He goes: “Oh, you need an ear nail.” A nail, in my fucking ear. That is modern medicine for you. Yeah, Doc, I have a fever of 102. “Oh you need a donkey kicking” You know our pastor has shot two people? Our pastor. No, no. Honest to God, shot a guy in a duel and then went back and killed the guy’s teenage son because he was afraid he would kill him out of revenge. Wait, how do you know that? Because he did a whole fucking sermon about it! A lesson about seeing things through. By the way, look at this: see those guys over there? The guys who work in the silver mines, see what they’re eating? Ribs doused in hot sauce. They eat hot, spicy foods every meal of the day. You know why? Because their palates are so completely fucking dulled from inhaling poison gas 12 hours a day, down in the mines. That’s all they can taste. You know what that kind of diet does to your guts? Constipation, cramps, dyspepsia, liver disease, kidney disease, hemorrhoids, bowel inflammation: they literally die from their own farts. And, oh, oh, you want to see more death? All we got to do is get up and walk out the front door. That is our mayor. He is dead. He has been lying there, dead, for three days; no-one has done a thing. Not moved him, not looked into his death, not even replaced him with a temporary appointee. For the last three days, the highest-ranking official in our town has been a dead guy. Oh! Look at that. Look at that. Wolves are dragging the body away, as if they illustrate my point. Bye! Bye, Mr. Mayor, bye; have fun becoming wolf shit. Bye! God! That my, friends, is the American West: a disgusting, awful, dirty, cesspool of despair and fuck all of it. Why don’t you shut up? You shut up!